UNEXPURGATED INSTINCTS . . .

I asked Eduardo, “Is the desire for orgies one of those experiences one must live through? And once lived, can one pass on, without return of the same desires?”

“No,” he said. “The life of freed instincts is composed of layers. The first layer leads to the second, the second to the third and so on. It leads ultimately to abnormal pleasures.” How Hugo and I could preserve our love in this freeing of the instincts he did not know. Physical experiences, lacking the joys of love, depend on twists and perversions for pleasure. Abnormal pleasures kill the taste for normal ones.

All this, Hugo and I knew. Last night when we talked he swore that he desired no one but me. I am in love with him too, and so we let the issue lie in the background. Yet the menace of those wayward instincts is there, inside of our very love.

Henry and June: From the Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin